Coffee, Craniotomy and Cancer

 To say that I am so over December 2023 is a gross understatement. This will probably be one of the most difficult blogs I have ever written. I don't think I will forget this month ever, but some details may become fuzzy.. so this is for me to stay clear in the future:

December 7 I drive from Shippensburg to Harrisburg to go to what I thought was going to be a normal work day. December 4, I went to my family doctor thinking I had a sinus or an ear infection with a ton of sinus pressure and a headache for close to a week. Hindsight i should have demanded scans, something just wasn't right in my head. 

Fast forward -- i had already taken a sick day this week, i can't use another. Drive to work. Shannon notices I struggle on my left side with my coat. My cognitive function isn't firing properly. Poor decisions being made and not normal decisions. Hindsight so many red flags were waving, but the dots are connected weeks later. 

At work, it's a 3 story building, i thought I climbed the 3 sets of steps, nope.. only 2.. got off on the 2nd floor very confused since nothing looked right. I tell a co-worker this. her spidey senses are on high alert. She says later that morning to me.. "I'm taking you to the hospital. I was thinking i may have suffered from a stroke and didn't realize it. She must have felt a similar inkling. speech was slurry, confusion, left side wasn't strong. 

Thankfully she drove me to Holy Spirit hospital in Camp Hill (I received top notch medical attention by doctors and nurses. so Thankful!)- the ER listened to me and took my concerns seriously. I was placed into a room at the ER to await CT scans and an MRI of my brain to see if something was going on... well, sadly, something was going on. I had a baseball sized lesion in the right frontal lobe that was causing a headache for a week or so and must have taken over my cognitive thinking. 

Craniotomy was done on December 9 and i was discharged from the hospital on December 11 to recover at home with my family and my pets. 

The same day I was admitted to the hospital, December 7, Audrey had her wisdom teeth removed. Shannon had just got her home from that procedure when i informed him I was being driven to the ER. Talk about a whirlwind for all of us. 

We met with a neurosurgeon who was going to do the craniotomy to remove as much of the tumor as he could. Thankfully, he was able to remove 85-90% of it. Sent a sample to be tested. 

Those words no one ever wants to hear -- "I'm so sorry, but it's cancer" were eventually heard to my ears. As a medical team, we recommend an oral chemotherapy and radiation to control the remaining portion of the tumor.

In the midst of this insane storm, we are so thankful for those who planned for us -- meals, kid activities, pets, a GoFundMe. Truly blessed with an amazing village who circled us in love and support when we wanted to crumble into a ball on the floor. We would have been lost without the Project Managers and their crew making spreadsheets. 

I have been fitted for a radiation mask that will be used starting January 17 for 6 weeks, Monday-Friday in conjunction with an oral chemotherapy. Then, there will be a 4 week break with no treatments before having an MRI see how the remaining tumor reacted to the treatments. If it remains, there may be a second round of chemo only but not everyday. The medical team - oncology, radiology and hematology will discuss and develop a plan to attack. The Penn State Cancer Institute has therapy that I will begin later in January to help process this nightmare and how to talk to my kids about what's going on. We've tried to be honest with them and give them info as we feel they can handle it without trying to overwhelm them... but, let's call a spade a spade -- this is hard and scary. At 15(Audrey), 11(Landon) and 8(Hannah) years old this shouldn't be something they need to worry about.

I'm only accepting positive vibes in 2024. One doesn't realize their own strength until faced with such devastation. But I am competitive and hate to loose. Cancer -- you don't belong in my brain or my body. At this point, I'm roughly 3 weeks post craniotomy. I don't think I could have sat and typed this any sooner. I have been doing puzzles to help work my brain and reconnect some neurons. Each day there are a few more things or activities I can do independently. Some of my fine motor function has been compromised - hoping that returns with some PT/OT and daily use. My speech isn't 100% what is was prior to surgery, but a little better every day. 

At this point, I can only think about taking this journey one step or appointment at a time. More than that is overwhelming and crippling. 

Love

Love. Seems like such a simple word, but also so complex in the four little letters.

LOVE - affectionate concern for the well-being of others. (Thanks, www.Dictionary.com)

The world is full of hate.  A child doesn't need to be taught to be mean to another. It's pretty easy for a kiddo to understand the idea of "this is MINE" and become possessive.  Have more than one child - you know all too well. "He touched me!" "She looked at me!" "THAT'S MINE!" But, love. That's a bird of another feather. 

Love.

Kind.

As you know, there are a lot of different types of love - romantic, parent to child, sibling, friend... but I want to focus on the general love for other human beings. The unnecessary violence and hate towards others has to stop. I hear so much bad news. It travels so fast. But something good can fade so quickly. Why do we feel the need to share the negative but squash the positive in life?

How? 

I wish I knew. But, if it starts with someone spreading a smile, a kind word, helping -- that's something everyone can do. I want to challenge those who are reading this --- Share Love. 

Humor me for a little. What if one person shares love to another. And then that person shares love. And that person. And that person..... The ripple effect would be huge. Why does it take a complete senseless tragedy for people to be kind to one another? Imagine how the world could change if we were KIND to one another. 

Love. 

Seriously, folks, it's not rocket science to be nice to others. Be the change. Make a difference. 

Lucy Girl...

Thursday, October 15, 2015, was a ... well, it was not the day we had planned when we woke that morning. Let me back up ... way back.... 

Always with her people. Landon's 3rd Bday.

My riding buddy to run some errands.

Lucy in Audrey's toddler bed. Just her size!

Two weeks after Shannon & I got married we picked out a scrawny little boxer puppy. Gosh. She had her moments of being completely adorable but also being so stubborn I thought she was me in dog form. She did some basic training, and after she was 3 she finally started to settle down and didn't run away from us when it was time to go inside.

Lucy with her buddies - Neko and Oliver.

And, she was a great dog! Sure, she had her moments of being a dog. Like the time she ate an entire package of potato rolls and and gnawed on an ice cream scoop. Or when she would get into the trash can, and lick the package of corned beef one St. Patrick's Day. Or the way she would slowly get off a chair or couch because she knew she wasn't supposed to be on the furniture.

There's just something about a man and his dog...

Lucy checking up on Neko.

Buddies

Protector.

Within the past few years we had noticed she was favoring a leg every once in a while. A supplement was added to her diet to help with her joints. Honestly, the past year, she had been doing great. You wouldn't have guessed she was an 11 year old boxer. She didn't run as much as she used to, but she could still walk around, go up and down stairs, and wiggle as she did in her younger years.

Landon covered her with a blanket. Sweet kid.

Earlier this year, we took her to the vet because was having difficulty holding urine. It was awful to come into the kitchen with a huge puddle of urine, multiple times in a weekend, a day even. So, she was on meds to help and it really did. She was able to hold her urine or be able to let us know she needed to go outside. 

Nice try Lucy.

From the time that Hannah was born (8.24.15) she had been doing okay, but not great. She would sleep 20 out of a 24 hour span... She's old. She began to throw up.. after meals, before meals, when she had too much water. Not all the time, but it was unusual for her. When Shannon had her at the vet earlier this year, they said her knees may have some arthritis, to keep our eyes on her. Thankfully, at that point, she had stopped going up and down the steps. Her joints just couldn't carry her weight up and down the steps. 

October 2015... I didn't want to have "the talk" with Shannon about her, but man. She had lost a LOT of weight. Her hip bones and spine were becoming more visible as she was loosing muscle mass. It would take her a long time to get up or down, the few steps out the back door were a struggle for her. 

Lucy & Neko became fast friends

Love her!

 

October 6, 2015. Lucy is 12 years old. Wow! I never thought we would have her this long. However, she is not finishing her food, gulping water, but also not being able to keep food and water down. 

October 14, 2015. Shan let her outside and she walked down a small hill.. he noticed how much of a struggle she had to get back up the hill. Her breathing was labored as she came back inside. Heartbreaking to see your "firstborn" fur-baby not the way you remember her. 

A girl and her dog...

October 15, 2015. I'm still on maternity leave and so thankful. I was supposed to have an eye appointment at 2:45pm. Around 1pm I notice that she is started to gag and about to throw up. I scurry her outside through the kitchen, open the garage door for her. She makes it outside onto the driveway then falls down. No, she pretty much collapses on the ground. Awful. I run back inside, grab my phone, call Shannon. I don't know what to do. She won't get up. She can't get up. Eventually she does make it to her feet, but she's having a lot of trouble walking. I carry her. She was so light. Normally, she would struggle and not want to be carried, but she didn't seem bothered by my help. 

Inside. Now what do I do? I cancel my appointment. I can't leave her, or make someone else stay with her. My dog. My baby. I try to see if she can walk. She can, but she's so slow. She won't lay down. I sit down and she lays on me. Can she get up? I try to bribe her with some peanut butter.. she wants it, but she can't move her legs to get closer to the spoon. Damn it. I let Shannon know. We had said, when talking earlier that very day, when she is at the point that she can't move, it's time. Well, it was time. 

I call the vet and make an appointment to bring her in. Thankfully, Hannah slept the afternoon away so Landon and I were able to be on the floor with Lucy. I gather up everyone to meet my mother in law at the vet. Shannon and Audrey will get there after he picks her up. 

Hardest drive ever. I didn't know where to put Lucy. Front seat - no. She can't stand the whole way to the vet. Move Landon's seat. She can lay down. When we get to the parking lot of the vet, she isn't even on the seat. She had fallen off and couldn't get back up on the seat. I had park next someone who is coming out, I ask if she needs to get it ... blur of a conversation. She carries Lucy in for me.

Saying goodbye is so hard..

We will miss you, Lucy

Landon giving Lucy kisses

Audrey snuggling Lucy

Our family saying goodbye to a great dog.

So hard...

The vet techs have a blanket on the floor for her. I can't believe it. This sucks. I don't want to let go of my dog. 

Even though it's such a hard thing to do, I want to remember. I take pictures with Lucy. Everyone, minus Hannah (sleeping in her car seat) have pictures with Lucy on her last day with us. Shannon and Audrey come in. Both so upset. We all are. But, we also remember all the time we had with Lucy. The 12 wonderful years we had with her. Not too many boxer parents have that long with their fur baby. 

Shannon's mom takes Audrey and Landon to the waiting room as we spend a few moments with her. The techs come in, do what they need to do.. She's completely calm. She didn't flinch, she wasn't aggressive, she was calm. She wasn't scarred. She was ready. That made it somewhat easier for us, but still one of the hardest things we had to make a decision to do. 

She's at peace. She's free. She can run and play. 

Hanging with her favorite people

October 16, 2015. It's weird without her. She wasn't asleep on my side of the bed. I didn't have to step over her. I wasn't lulled to sleep with her snoring. I didn't have to step over her as she laid in the bedroom doorway. I didn't have to step over her on the rug. She's not here. Only one dog went outside today. Only one dog was fed today. I thought I heard her nails on the floor, but it was phantom noises. I thought I heard her snoring. Makes my chest hurt. 



Lucy was always there since Shannon and I have been married. She was there when we brought home all of our children. She was there when we brought home another dog. She was there when we lost Sam and she was there when we brought home Neko. She was there when we moved, twice. She was there when we changed jobs. She was there when we had bad days, and when we had good days. Looking back at photos, I see her in the background of a lot of photos. She's in almost every photo I took when I was taking belly shots when pregnant with Hannah. 

Kisses!

Even in the loud moments, she was close.

Protecting her people.

Keeping a close eye on her people

Close by in special times of lives.

To have a Boxer in your life is so special. Lucy was very protective of her people. She would let something happen to her before one of loved ones was hurt. Lucy was so tolerant of Audrey and Landon in their young years. She didn't like it when anyone touched her feet.. and she would get up and walk away if she was done. 

She loved to be with her people

Lucy girl, we love you and we will miss you. However, in our sadness we also know that you aren't in pain. You are able to run again. You can hunker down, get ready to run and then take off to get a frisbee. You hold a very special spot in our hearts and family. Rest in peace, Lucy girl... rest in peace. 

Lucy Brown. 10.6.03-10.15.15

Hannah Nicole Brown

(So, I wrote this blog about 4 weeks ago. Better late than never!)

My greatest blessings. Top Audrey. Bottom left Landon. Bottom right Hannah

There are some blogs I write to share information, but there are times I write so I can remember. This is one of those times. I want to be able to go back and reflect my second daughter's labor and delivery, and the first few days of her life. It's crazy for me to sit here, watch her sleep and reflect on the last two weeks.

9 months pregnant.

I'm going to go back to the beginning of August 2015. I had just finished up working for summer school, and Shannon and I were ready to go to a friend's wedding. First time for us - we took a weekend away, just us, before we welcomed a new member to our family. All summer I had wanted to see the beach, touch the sand, feel the water on my toes .... being 36 weeks pregnant was a slight glitch in my ideal plan, but it was lovely weekend away.

Baby-moon.

One of the greatest blessings I treasured is the time I had with just Landon during the end of this pregnancy. This boy loves to snuggle and be close; I enjoyed every minute of his snuggles and cuddles before I had to share my snuggles and cuddles with a baby. When he bats those super long eye lashes and asks to snuggle -- I can't resist. 

This time around, the one huge difference is the amount of doctor's appointments I had to schedule and attend. Blah. I was sent to a specialist by my ob/gyn and spent a lot of time at various doctor's appointments. On a side note, I am thankful for my smaller knitting projects! (Insert thumbs up emoji) From week 32 to delivery I was at at least one, but usually two appointments weekly. One appointment was ALWAYS included a Non-Stress Test and a sonogram, the other was a regular ob appointment - measure, heartbeat, questions, etc. 

Between 38-39 weeks we started to talk induction date and information. I had assumed (HA!) it would be on August 21, when I would be 39 weeks. Well, I was so wrong. My practice doesn't schedule inductions over the weekend. So, what's a few days difference? The pro - more time to spend as a family of 4 before major changes happen. Shannon and I had planned as much as we could so our ducks were in a row prior to going to the hospital. Audrey was staying with a friend since school started on August 19 (Working while being days away from delivery with new kids was a challenge. Great kids and amazing co-workers, but I was exhausted. I did take the Friday off to spend at home with Landon and just enjoy time with him.) Landon was staying with grandparents, a great friend stayed at our home to make sure animals and house were taken care of. 

Funny Face photo

We were to be at the hospital around 7PM on Sunday, August 23. Kiddos were in their temporary homes and we were ready to go. Let me back up and mention that I had also been roughly 2cm dilated and 50% effaced at my two prior appointments. We got to the room, got changed into the fancy gowns the hospital offers, and was getting hooked up to monitors. My amazing midwife walks in and throws us a bit of a curve ball. I was too far along to be induced the night before. Doctors I had seen at my previous appointments are newer to the practice and may not have been totally sure on the procedures for an induction. The staff was prepared to deliver, but they are better staffed during the day. When she said I would be able to sleep in my own bed with no fetal monitors or nurses we rolled out of the hospital after an hour. I'll be honest - we laughed the whole way home. Who goes to the hospital with the plan of being induced to have a baby but comes home with no baby? We packed up, went back home and got a decent nights sleep to prep for labor and delivery.

Delivery day!

Monday, August 24 at 7AM. Let's try this again! Back to the hospital to actually have a baby. Around 8AM pitocin is starting to drip into my IV. And we wait. And wait. And wait. When Landon was born I had gone in the night before to start the induction and he was born before 11AM. I thought this time around I would be snuggling my baby girl by noon. Ha. Ha. Ha. By noon I was barely 5 cm. Between 2PM and 3PM is when the contractions were becoming more intense for me. I knew I wanted some kind of medication to take the edge off, but I didn't want an epidural. The nurse gave me the meds when I was about 8cm. I never had the same medication twice. With Audrey it was crazy meds - I had told Shannon I felt like I was Alice falling down into Wonderland. With Landon I was able to sleep between the contractions. This time around the pain was a little less, but I wasn't able to really sleep. Around 3:30PM is when I had the need to push. My midwife was helping another momma welcome her baby to the world. Great timing. As soon as she walked into the room, I was ready to go. I am so thankful active and hard labor lasted about 15 minutes and only 5-8 serious pushes. 

Hi, Hannah!

At 4PM on the dot on August 24 Shannon and I welcomed another daughter into the world -- Hannah Nicole Brown. She weighed in at 9 pounds 1 3/4 ounces and measured 20.5 inches long. She had a dark head of hair, a beautiful cry, long fingers and toes -- perfect. We instantly fell in love with her. Landon was the first visitor and he didn't really know what to think of her. I melt when I hear him call her "Baby Hannah". Audrey was so excited to meet her baby sister - instantly she was taken with her. I am so curious to see their relationship grow and deepen as the years go by. My heart is so full of love for these children. I feel so blessed to be their momma. 

Shortly after she was born, one of the nurses came in to ask if we would be willing to have her demonstrate new technology the hospital is planning to use in the future. They are doing construction on a wing to turn into a NICU and will be using telecommunication to consult with other hospitals. Doctors were able to hear her heartbeat, see into her ear and get a better view of her via camera from York. It was pretty cool to be a part of that! I do wish I had a little more warning than sitting in my glamorous hospital gown and Shannon was in a T-shirt, gym shorts and glasses. It's a good thing they wanted to see Hannah and not us!

Landon wanted to get comfy. Tried to take off his shoes. Love him

Very proud  (and amazing!!!) dadda

Audrey is so excited. I love each day, but I'm excited to see their relationship

Hospital food. *insert thumb down emoji*

Proud parents with the newest addition

Since we do have other children, we were so ready to go home. I knew I would be able to recover better at home, we could all get rest and begin a new routine. We had to wait until 4PM to be able to do anything - various tests and labs need to be done 24 hours after birth. The nurse came in around 5PM to start her tests. Thankfully, she passed everything she needed to and we began to pack it up. Our "delicious" hospital meal came in and we quickly ate just in case the discharge papers came in... About an hour after the meal came in, the discharge papers followed. Hannah was on her way home 27 hours after birth.

Fresh baby snuggles are the best

Going home.

Each child had their own hiccup in their early days. Audrey - first born, guinea pig, everything was new to us. Landon - he was jaundice and his bilirubin levels eventually had him glowing in a bili blanket. Hannah wasn't gaining weight. Birth was 9#1oz, then 8#,6oz at discharge (8/25/15). At her first well child she was 8#,4oz (8/26/15), then dropped again to 7#,14oz (9/3/15). I started to nurse her as close to every 3 hours and we would supplement her with an ounce of formula. I am so thankful she FINALLY put on weight and as of 9/8/15, she weighed 8#,4oz today. She gained 6 ounces in 5 days. 

The past 15 days have been a bit of a whirlwind. However, I do think we are all adjusting as well as can be expected. As I sit here at 1:30AM, just waiting for the next feeding.. as if on cue, she is waking up. It's been an adjustment to being outnumbered by children, but we are up to the challenge.